More funds will be poured into "Black hole"

RHYL on Sea is to receive yet another gigantic funding boost as part of a desperate last-ditch effort to breathe new life into depraved and deprived areas of the town.

It is hoped that this latest £9 million regeneration initiative will revitalise the derelict seafront area and provide the necessary cash to clean up used needles and broken bottles from the beach.
It may also provide a second, entirely unnecessary bridge for cyclists to pass over the heavily polluted Horrid Harbour.
The grant is the latest in a long line of futile funding provided to the stricken seaside town. So far Rhyl on Sea, which, even excluding freebies, contributes a negative amount to the North-Wales economy, has over the last decade, sucked up more than £700 million from the treasury and Europe.

Recent failed projects include a remodelling of the town centre - now vandalised beyond recognition, the demolition of "Kiddie Town," - itself a mistake from the 1970s and the destruction of the town's Ocean Drive fun fair, which was supposed to be replaced with a "luxury supermarket development," but instead has turned into a mud-filled abandoned building site.

But Tom Jones, Rhyl on Sea's cabinet member for regeneration insists that this time, it will be different.
"I welcome Rhyl on Sea's inclusion in this funding," he told Seaside News. "While I completely appreciate that success is unlikely and that previous regeneration attempts have fallen flat on their arses, it is important to realise that the core attraction of Rhyl on Sea is its beautiful sandy beach and if we can use this astronomical amount of money to clean it up, then I'm positive that tourists will start returning. .
"In turn this will have a knock on effect on the wider economy with beggars and thieves experiencing trickle down effects of the money."

But not everyone shares Mr Jones's optimism. In a vox pop survey carried on by Seaside News on Rhyl on Sea's High Street, 100% of shopkeepers expressed a high level of apathy towards the grant.
Rhodri Lloyd, owner of the Morgan 99p emporium - the town's last shop not run by Oxfam, said, "Well whoop-de-sodding-do. They'd be better off spending their wedge on a tactical nuke and turning this place to glass. Now that'd be a tourist attraction."

A vagrant busker, standing outside Mr Lloyd's shop added, "It is very important to get this boost at a time of uncertainty and this will help the regeneration of Rhyl on Sea. Maybe they'll let me sleep under the bridge.
"Happy days are here again."