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"I bought a pack of five pairs of boxers from Asda, but before I got to wear a single one, the pack vanished unopened.It was the spider. It was the damned spider. It was out to get me all along."
- The accused.
Tramp Claims Identity Stole by Giant Spider - Sentenced."
A MAN, found naked and wandering along Rhyl on Sea's beach last weekend, claims that his identity has been stolen by a malevolent spider.
The 46 year old, known to police as John Doe, was thought to be under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs when he was arrested for indecency early on Saturday morning.
But after a series of blood tests in Rhyl on sea police station, he was found to have no illegal substances in his system.
At a hearing in Rhyl on Sea Magistrates' the man interrupted proceedings with an extraordinary outburst during which he claimed to be local businessman, Simon Jenks, owner of Jenks's Bazaar.
"Honestly, I'm me, really I am," he told the court. "But that damned arachnid has taken my life apart piece by piece. First it was just socks. If I left two pairs out to dry overnight, at least one would be gone in the morning.
"Then it was my underwear. I bought a pack of five pairs of boxers from Asda, but before I got to wear a single one, the pack vanished unopened,"he shouted over calls for him to sit down. "It was the spider. It was the damned spider. It was out to get me all along."
The "John Doe" went on to detail an imaginative series of thefts ranging from computer games and card sets to driving license, passport, cigarettes and national insurance card, before he was gripped by court ushers and forced into his seat.
Amid tears and with shaking voice, the man continued, "Then one day, I got a phone call telling me to drive up to Disco Mountain and bring my wallet. It was an educated voice with a northern accent and it promised to tell me what was happening. I was going mad by this stage. I was desperate so I agreed to go."
It was half-way to the flashing peaks of Disco Mountain, that he realised something was wrong with the car and got out to investigate.
"It was there. The spider was there!" screamed the lunatic. "It was six feet tall! It had my socks on! It was wearing my underpants! It was smoking my bloody fags!"
John Doe says that he was forced to undress and watched the spider clothe himself before driving off, leaving the man to walk on his own back to Rhyl on Sea.
"It's not like I could fight it, it's got eight arms for Christ's sake," he screamed.Magistrate and notorious racketeer, James Whitby sentenced the man, now known as Prisoner 567823, to eighteen years of community service for indecent exposure, to be carried out after spending the rest of his life in Rhyl on Sea's insane asylum, where the real Simon Jenks, who has recently recovered from additional limb augmentation surgery, is a part time warden.
Mr Jenks was approached for comment after the case but declined to make a statement.
Comments
Simon Jenks said:
Ppppppsssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaawwwrrggghhhh?
Newsworthy is the 16th template from 
John said:
Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.